Tag: happiness

Be Like Pedro

About four years ago, I was asked to do a long-term substitute teaching job for about two months.  The class was an adult transition program, a type of special education class for 18 to 22-year-old students who have finished high school.  In these classes, the students spend some time in the classroom, but also go out into the community to local businesses where they do things like wipe down tables and fill salt and pepper shakers. They help out at the job sites and try to build skills for after they age out of school.  What I didn’t expect was that this would become my favorite sub job ever.

Being a moderate to severe special ed class, there was a range of issues that the students had.  Two were in wheelchairs.  One girl would do a sort of call and response routine where she would call out, “Twinkle, twinkle, Mr. Connally.”  Then I would have to say, “Sing Twinkle, twinkle,” or she would just keep asking.  Then she would sing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”  Then you would have to say, “Good job,” or she would sing it again until you did. 

There was another girl who would eat any food she could get her hands on, so you could not leave anything sitting around.  One boy had an aide who would walk around the school with him all day.  Another girl would run away, or have violent outbursts, but was perfectly fine as long as she had pictures to color.

Then there was Pedro.  He was my favorite.  Pedro was a little guy, probably not even five feet tall.  He did not really talk, but he did use sounds and gestures to communicate.  Each morning, I would take my seat at the front desk and set up while I waited for the students and the aides to arrive.  As soon as Pedro came in, he would come up to my desk, tap on my shoulder, and point to his desk.  I would go over and do puzzles with him.  It was our routine.  He would always grab the same two Spider-Man puzzles, and I probably did those same two puzzles two hundred times in my two months there.  Pedro made my day for one simple reason: he was easy to make happy.  He took joy in every little victory.  That joy was contagious.  For example, when we did those puzzles, every time he got a piece to fit in, he would look at me and say, “Woohoo!”  Then I would do it.  It was fun. 

After that, we would do our morning meeting, and we would go over things like what day it was, what season it was, and how the weather was.  We would call on kids to go up and pick answers on the screen about those things.  Whenever we called on Pedro, he would jump out of his chair and run up to the front, pumping his hands in the air and exclaiming, “Woohoo!” like he had just been told to “Come on down!” on The Price is Right.  When we went to the work sites, Pedro would take such pride in his jobs.  At one restaurant, he got picked to pour ice from the ice machine into the ice well at the bar.  I started calling him “Ice Man,” and his face lit up like he was the most important guy in the world. 

That was what I loved about Pedro.  He would get so excited about the smallest things.  This is a trait that everyone should strive for.  It is counter to how many people think.  So many of us are never content.  Most people get desensitized to small joys that used to seem so significant.  Think about how thrilling it was to hear the ice cream truck, or to get a sticker at the doctor’s office.

Someone once told me that they had been around baseball for so long that they do not get excited anymore.  I remember thinking, “How sad is that?  I never want to lose that joy.”  I want to be like Pedro.  I want that childlike exuberance forever.  When someone says that I often act like a big kid, I do not see it as an insult.  I wear it as a badge of honor.  We should all take joy in the little blessings in life. 

I just found my favorite pair of sunglasses that I had misplaced.  It made my day!  That is a good thing.  I still get delighted when I find a nickel on the ground.  If you do not have that sense of wonder in life, I encourage you to work on it.  If you are unhappy, this one thing will help you a lot.  If you are lonely, more people will like you and want to be your friend if you are easily contented.  Not only that, but your attitude will be infectious.  Other people will be happier.  It was hard to be in a bad mood around Pedro.   

After that class got a new teacher, I would often sub for other classes at the same school.  Whenever Pedro would see me, his eyes would brighten up, he would point and get excited like those videos of soldiers surprising their family by returning from deployment.  Pedro may have been in special ed classes, but most of us can learn a lot from him. 

Try it.  Be like Pedro!

Lead by Example

My wife is a businesswoman and she works very hard.  She sometimes wonders why I put so much time into having fun.  As most of you know, I still play baseball at a pretty high level.  I am in a Wednesday night bowling league.  I play poker.  Not only that, but I coach baseball for work.  I also like to be involved in many social events with friends and family.  I am spontaneous.  I was just out to lunch for a friend’s birthday, and another friend asked if I wanted to come over and sing songs while he played the piano.  I did, and it was fun.  I want to enjoy my life.  Even more than that, I want my life to be meaningful and important in a positive way.

This has led to a discussion between my wife and me about what is important in life.  She says that having fun all the time is not realistic.  I agree.  There are certainly things that everybody has to do in life that they do not want to do.  Work immediately comes to mind.  Here’s the thing.  The fact that you have to work does not necessarily mean that it is more meaningful or important than fun.  For example, if 98% of the lawyers and politicians were not working, the world would be a better place.  Just like fun, if work is not done for the right purpose, it is not a good thing. 

I was just re-reading the book of Ecclesiastes, and was reminded that anything we do without it being for God’s purpose is vanity.  This does not mean that nothing we do matters.  It means that the things we do that affect eternity are the only things that ultimately matter.  As Colossians 3:2 puts it, “Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.”   What can we do on earth that affects eternity?  We can lead people to put their faith in Jesus.

Once we know this, the only question left becomes, “What will lead people to put their faith in Jesus?”  There are the obvious answers, like inviting people to church or telling people about Jesus, and those are certainly important, but they are not usually very successful by themselves.  I have often seen people at events holding signs telling people to repent and turn to Jesus and wondered, “Has there ever been anybody who repented and turned to Jesus because of somebody doing that?”  In fact, shouting about God on a street corner is probably counterproductive and turns people off.

So, what does work?  What can help usher in a religious revival in our country that actually causes lasting change?  The answer is not to be pushy.  The answer is to lead by example.  Make people want to have a life like yours.  These four things will get people to want to turn to God.

  1. Be fun.  If you are regularly doing fun things, laughing, and in the middle of exciting moments, people are going to like you more.  People want to spend time with likeable, fun people.  If you are not fun, nobody will want to be around you, much less be like you or take any advice from you.  Fun also puts you in a position to meet people and build relationships with them.
  2. Be good.  There are fun people who are no good.  I know people who are a blast to hang out with but are not good people.  I would never put them in charge of money, because they are shady and the money would be gone.  I would never want to work with them because they are flakey.  I would not want them to date anybody I care about because they would treat them badly.  Being fun is certainly not good by itself.  Think about Pleasure Island in Pinocchio.  The kids are having fun, but are being bad.  This is why I specified that I want my life to be meaningful and important in a positive way.  If you are fun, but also honest, trustworthy, reliable, and helpful, people will respect you. 
  3. Be happy.  Fun and happy are related, but definitely not the same thing.  There are people who do a lot of fun stuff, but are not happy with their lives.  Happy people smile a lot and rarely complain.  Happy people keep things in perspective and remain relatively happy even when things go wrong.  Happy people can feel sad when something terrible happens, but their default position is cheerful.  Fun makes people like you and want to be around you, but happy makes people want to be like you and emulate you.
  4. Let people know that God is the key to your happiness and success.  Once people like you because you are fun, respect you because you are good, and want to be like you because you are happy, you have to make it known that you are that way because you are a Christian.  It is the truth.  I certainly would not be good or happy without God in my life.  In fact, life would be meaningless.  Once they know that God is the key to your happiness, you do not have to be heavy-handed or pushy.  Be ready to answer questions about God, but you do not have to constantly preach at people.  Instead, lead by example.  Continue to be fun, good, and happy.

There is one more thing.  If you are not all of these things, do not tell people you are a Christian.  I relate it to politics.  When I am out wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat, I am a billboard for President Trump, and I want him to win.  I go out of my way to make sure I am smiling and kind to people.  I always try to be that way, but I am even more conscious of it when I am representing President Trump.  I tip better at restaurants if I wear the hat.  I want people to know that the media is lying when they denigrate President Trump and his supporters.  I want them to know that we are good people.  If I am grumpy or rude, it will turn people off.  In fact, I take off the hat when I am driving, because nobody thinks other people are good drivers, even if they are. 

Similarly, if I am not fun, good, or happy, and then I tell people that I am a Christian, I am poorly representing God.  Nobody is going to see a Christian who is unhappy or constantly complaining and say, “How can I be like that?”  I had a friend who would often post on social media about God, but would mostly post complaints about his life or about some girl he was dating.  It drove me crazy because anybody who saw that would think, “That God thing sure isn’t working very well for him.  I’ll figure something else out.”  If you are not fun, good, and happy, work on that before you tell anybody that you are a Christian.

Now, go out and enjoy life.  Having fun may seem frivolous, but it leads to the most meaningful parts of your life. 

High Hopes, No Expectations

Rocky Balboa.  The “Miracle on Ice.”  300 Spartans versus the Persian Army.  The Bad News Bears.  John McClane at Nakatomi Plaza.  Most of us love an underdog story.  Do you know who doesn’t love an underdog story?  The people who were expected to come out on top.  As an athlete, and a very competitive guy, there are few things worse than going into a competition as the heavy favorite and losing.  In some ways, it is better to be the underdog, because if you win, you are a David who overcame Goliath.  If you lose, it is no big deal because nobody expected you to win in the first place.  The pressure is all on the favorite.  If they lose, they are chokers.  If they win, they are just doing what everyone already thought would happen. 

As a player, and especially as a coach, you need to deal with this problem, and I have come up with a mantra to help.  “Have high hopes, but no expectations.”  I can hear some coaches out there saying, “If you don’t have confidence that you are going to win, you will lose.”  Confidence is different than expectation, though.  Confidence is knowing that you are prepared and can win.  Expectation is more of an assumption that you will triumph.  If you expect things to go your way, when they don’t, you will be crushed with disappointment and a feeling of failure. 

I came to realize that this mantra is true outside of sports, too.  Last Sunday at church, the pastor preached a great sermon with the same theme.  He was teaching about how people can make the best of life in a fallen world, and pointed out that life will hurt more if we set the wrong expectations.  He noted that many people expect pleasure and are surprised when bad things happen, making it feel worse.  That is actually the opposite of reality.  Instead, he said that suffering is the norm and blessings are a gift from God.  This adjustment in expectations will greatly improve your life.  If you do not expect anything, you are more grateful for all of the good things that do occur. 

Be careful with what I am saying.  Some people might think I am saying to have low expectations or to expect the worst.  I am not.  That would cause a ton of anxiety and a pretty miserable existence.  For example, I could walk outside and get stabbed by a bum.  This is, after all, California.  I don’t expect that to happen, though.  That would turn me into quite a stressed-out, paranoid person.  Instead, just eliminate expectations, both bad and good.

People realize that this is wise when we talk about things that are very unlikely.  Very few people buy lottery tickets and expect to win the jackpot.  We all can see the folly in that.  Almost everyone goes their entire life without winning the lottery, so you are almost guaranteed to be constantly disappointed if you expect to win.  It is harder to see on other things with better odds, or even things where the odds are in your favor.  As a poker player, there are obvious examples.  When most people are dealt pocket aces, the best possible starting hand in poker, they expect to win.  The problem is, even if the other person has 7-2 off suit, the worst hand in poker, there is still about a 12% chance that the pocket aces are going to lose.  Anybody who has been at a poker table when this happens knows the disappointment and frustration that it causes.  It is often accompanied by colorful language or nasty comments to the other player or the dealer.  The high expectations are what cause this reaction. 

This is where the hope part of the equation comes in.  Some people overcompensate and give up when their expectations are not met.  I have heard many poker players say, “Next time I see aces I’m just going to fold them face up.”  That is, of course, ridiculous, because you are going to win most of the time.  You have to remain hopeful.  Hope is what keeps us going.  Without hope, we give up and see no point in trying.  If we don’t try, we will never succeed.

This is true in all areas of life.  In the past, I would go on a few promising dates with a girl and start to think, “This is the girl for me!”  Then, when those expectations were not met, it was awful and heartbreaking.  I had allowed myself to get high expectations.  Thankfully, I remained hopeful.  Had I lost hope and given up, I would never have met my wife.  Hope keeps us going.  As the Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky put it, “To live without hope is to cease to live.”

There is an exception to my rule.  I expect effort.  Everyone fears failure.  Get over it.  Try your best.  If a player I am coaching drops a ball, it is not ideal, but I will not yell or get angry.  If, on the other hand, they are worried they will drop a ball, so they slow down and don’t try their best to get to it, I will get mad and call them out for their lack of effort.  You cannot control results, but you can control your effort.

Now, whether it be in competition, business, love, or any other area of life, have confidence, keep the hope, and give your best effort, but eliminate your expectations.  You will be a lot happier, and probably more successful.

Don’t Be Shy

Have you ever taken one of those Myers-Briggs Personality tests?  It asks you a bunch of questions and gives you a four-letter categorization of your personality based on four different characteristics.  The first trait it attempts to evaluate is whether you are an introvert (I) or an extrovert (E). The letters are not supposed to mean that one or the other is necessarily better or worse.  It is just supposed to tell people which way their personality leans.  There is, by the way, some difference between introverted and shy.  A shy person fears negative judgment by others and feels anxious in social situations, so they tend to avoid them.  An introvert is usually introspective and feels overstimulated by social situations.  They often prefer quiet, alone time to think instead of being around people.  While they are not the same, there is some overlap between shy and introverted, namely, that both will often avoid social situations.  For this reason, I believe that one possibility actually is better than the other.  I encourage you to act like an extrovert.

If you are shy, or an introvert (which I will use interchangeably from now on), please do not get defensive.  This is not an attack or even a criticism of you.  In fact, when I take the Myers-Briggs test, I am an INTP.  There is nothing wrong with being introverted.  By that, I mean that there is nothing immoral about being shy.  Someone is not a bad person because they are shy.  This is entirely a qualitative assessment, not a moral one.  I want all of us to have a higher quality of life.

What led me to this thought was a friend on social media.  You probably have some friends online whose posts make you think.  This particular friend of mine often posts stories and memes about being an introvert and trying to avoid going out and spending time with others.  They are amusing and good-natured posts, but whenever I see them, it makes me feel bad for her.  She is missing out on so much in life!

Don’t get me wrong.  Sometimes spending a night alone at home watching TV is great.  That being said, almost all of the most memorable moments in life are spent with other people.  Let’s be honest, people are interesting, and the only way to meet them is by putting yourself in a position to.  My suggestion is to seek out opportunities to go interact with people.  Join a club.  Join a team or go to sporting events.  Go to parties.  Travel and mingle with the locals.  Sing karaoke.  Don’t worry about what people might think.  Most people are too worried about what others think of them to be too critical of you.

Another great idea is to get a social job.  Many of the articles about introverts suggest that they get jobs that do not require much interaction with other people, like computer jobs or cubicle jobs.  Those articles imply that these jobs are a good idea because it fits the personality of the introvert.  The better idea is to do the opposite.  I once dated a girl who was bartending when I met her, but I soon realized was pretty shy.  She said that she got the bartending job to force herself out of her comfort zone and meet new people.  It worked, and her life was richer for doing it.  Heck, she met me.

As I said, I lean towards introversion.  It is all right if you think quietly at times.  Occasionally, someone will notice I am not being talkative and will ask what is wrong.  Most of the time, nothing is wrong and I am contemplating some deep issue of life, or some idea for an article for this blog.  Being contemplative is perfectly fine.  I am not suggesting you have to constantly be the loud, crazy, life of the party.  Thinking before you speak or act is usually a good idea.  People see the strong, silent type in a positive way for good reason.  That being said, never let your feelings stop you from fully experiencing life.

The movie Yes Man with Jim Carrey is a fun, silly film, but it helped me to this realization.  In the movie, Jim Carrey hears a motivational speaker who tells him to say “yes” to every opportunity that presents itself.  When he does, he begins to thrive and succeed in many areas of life because he is putting himself in the position to do so, when previously he never would have had those chances.  Of course, you can’t say “yes” to everything, and eventually, he figures that out, but the principle of being open to more opportunities is a good one. 

My general rule is that if somebody suggests that we do something or go somewhere, as long as it is not immoral, I will say yes.  If a friend calls and wants to go out, say yes.  If somebody invites you on a trip, go.  If you don’t feel like going, ignore that feeling!  It will make your life fuller.

Now, I am going to follow my own advice.  Instead of watching the rest of the baseball playoff games here in my hotel room, I am going to head out to a sports bar in Phoenix to watch.  Maybe I will meet some new people and some fun adventures will ensue!

My New Favorite Baseball Player

When I was a nine-year-old Little Leaguer, the picture day photographers made the players our own baseball cards.  On mine was my picture and some facts about me, including my favorite player.  I was on the Yankees and my dad had probably shown me the Gary Cooper classic, The Pride of the Yankees, so when they asked me who was my favorite player, I said Lou Gehrig.  I was definitely a strange kid to pick someone who had died nearly 50 years earlier, but The Iron Horse is still a pretty solid choice. 

Now, many years later, I have a new favorite player who is even more unexpected.  Jack Wilson spent most of his 12-year Major League career as a shortstop for the Pittsburgh Pirates.  While Gehrig is an all-time great who hit .340 lifetime with 493 home runs and six world championships, Wilson hit .265 with 61 career homers and never appeared in the postseason.  You probably think I’m crazy to put them in the same sentence, but let me explain. 

As many of you know, I am a baseball player.  I pitched for a few seasons in Mexico and I still play in some pretty competitive leagues and tournaments, including spending most of October each year playing in Arizona.  Many of the better teams are full of very good ballplayers who played minor league or college baseball but fell short of their Major League dreams for one reason or another.  There are even some guys who got a cup of coffee in the big leagues.  Last year when we showed up at the first game, Jack Wilson was in our starting lineup.  Apparently, he was in Arizona because his son was starting college out there, and decided to sign up for the tournament.  Our manager was happy to snap him up onto our team because, although he is no Lou Gehrig, he is also not one of us “almost made it” guys or even a flash in the pan September call up who played a few games in the Majors.  He had a successful big league career, including a Silver Slugger Award and making an All-Star team in 2004.

Let me be clear, I am not easily star-struck and have played with quite a few other Major Leaguers.  As I told Jack, he is not even the most accomplished athlete I’ve spent time with in the last two months.  That honor would go to former “world’s greatest athlete” Caitlyn Jenner.  Jack is not my favorite player because he is good, although that certainly helps.  He is my favorite because he shows what baseball is supposed to be:  fun. 

Today, far too many players forget that baseball is ultimately a kid’s game.  On one side of the coin, some guys seem to be going through the motions and thinking more about their next contract than winning.  On the other side of the coin, some guys talk about being businesslike and “respecting the game.”  Those are the people who complain when a hitter bat flips, admires a home run, or swings at a 3-0 pitch when batting against a position player.  My favorite players are the ones who look like they are having fun and love being on the field.  I was at game 1 of the 1988 World Series as a kid and the other moment that stood out to me besides the Kirk Gibson home run was Mickey Hatcher hitting a home run in the first inning and flying around the bases with his arms in the air like an excited little kid.  That is the joy that players should have on a ballfield.

Jack’s love of the game is obvious and his energy is infectious.  He was a shortstop during his professional career but he wanted to play in the outfield for us.  We put him out there.  Then, when I showed up for the game I was pitching, the manager told me, “Jack wants to catch.”  I was thrilled and figured I certainly would not have to shake off my catcher that game.  He was really into catching and talked to me between each inning about how we should adjust and set up hitters.  I ended up striking out 14 in the game.  Jack enjoyed catching so much and was so good behind the plate that we had him catch in the championship game of the tournament, which ended up being an 18-inning marathon win.

When our manager sent out the roster for this year’s tournament, one of the first things I looked for was Jack’s name.  Sure enough, it was on there.  (I heard someone congratulate our manager on getting him back, to which he replied that Jack had been the one excitedly asking him about it.)  At the first game, Jack was smiling and ready to go like a kid on Christmas.  Then, early in the tournament he hit a ground ball and pulled a hamstring running to first base.  He limped back into the dugout looking dejected and said it was pretty bad and he couldn’t play.  Nobody would have blamed him if that was true.  He has nothing to prove to us and was obviously hurting.  However, about 5 minutes later Jack got up, went out to the bullpen, and started testing his leg.  He came back in and said, “I can’t swing the bat, but I think I can catch.  It doesn’t hurt when I crouch or throw.”  We thought he was crazy, but we loved that he wanted to play so badly.  It gets better, though.  The next day when we showed up to the game, Jack told us he thought he could hit left-handed because it’s easier on his hamstring.  He was not a switch hitter during his career, but he barreled up everything and was by far our best hitter for the rest of the tournament.  It was impressive.

On top of having talent and a great attitude on the field, Jack is a really good guy.  He never acts superior to us and enjoys talking baseball and answering our questions when we ask.  I heard guys ask him things that he’s probably been asked 100 times before and he graciously answered, sometimes eagerly telling stories along with it.  When I asked him about his All-Star Game appearance, he told me about the All-Star weekend and his two at-bats; a lineout to left against Ted Lilly and a pop out to second against Mariano Rivera. 

Now, Jack is the head coach at Thousand Oaks High School, which had the highest-ranked baseball team in California last year. The way to get better at anything is to emulate people who are successful at it, so his players have a great advantage.  His enthusiasm is an example that I want to follow in everything that I do.  As a coach, when I do lessons for kids, the biggest predictor of success is enthusiasm.  If a player is thrilled to be on the field, enjoys watching baseball at home, and loves competing, he is more likely to become a good player than a kid with more natural ability who is not passionate about the game.    

Seeing Jack’s childlike excitement and zeal to play helped me gain wisdom that can be applied not only to baseball, but to other areas in life as well.  Off the ballfield, enthusiasm should help tell us a lot about people.  If you are dating someone who acts ambivalent about you, why keep wasting your time?  I want somebody who is enthusiastic about me, wants to spend time with me, and is eager to talk to me.  If I have to struggle for their attention, they probably are not really into me and the relationship will fail.  If you are starting a business, choose a business partner who is enthusiastic about your product.  Otherwise, expect to do most of the work yourself.  In general, if you surround yourself with ambitious, happy people, your life will be better.

As far as baseball goes, Hall of Famer Roy Campanella summed it up best when he said, “You have to have a lot of little boy in you to play baseball for a living.”  Jack certainly has that, and when you really think about it, my picks for my favorite player are actually more consistent than the statistics would indicate.  Jack Wilson plays baseball like he considers himself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. 

Don’t Be Offended Unless Offense is Intended

In the iconic television series Star Trek, Captain Kirk, Spock, and the rest of the Enterprise crew would travel to new planets, beam down to the surface, and learn about their societies.  Spock was from the planet Vulcan, and most of us know the Vulcan greeting that he often used, “Live long and prosper.”  We as Americans should consider what saying space visitors would associate with us if they beamed down to the United States today.  Our national motto is technically “In God We Trust,” but unfortunately there is another statement that seems far more common in our country today.  “I am offended.”

The list of things that people in America find offensive is endless.  I don’t even think our alien visitors would enjoy being here because of the eggshells we have to walk on to avoid public shaming or worse.  Even using the word “alien” is now considered offensive by some.  This constant state of feeling offended not only makes that person unbearable to be around, but it makes them less happy.  Imagine how much joy it would take out of life if you went to a comedy show and instead of finding the jokes funny you found them offensive.

I have good news for you, though.  There is a solution to being offended all the time.  Simply choose not to be offended.  Yes, you heard me right.  Being offended is a choice.  I have even come up with a saying to help me decide whether or not I should feel offended.  Don’t be offended unless offense is intended. 

Notice I did not say that you should never be offended.  There are certainly times when you should be.  If somebody purposely impugns your character, their intent was to offend you.  If somebody calls you a loser then you should take offense.  My little proverb is meant to keep you from wasting your time, energy, and likeability on complaining about jokes, harmless comments, or even things that you disagree about.  People should be able to disagree with each other and not feel offended. 

The problem today is that people go around looking for things to find offensive.  There are women who feel offended if a man opens a door for her.  There are people who are offended by the Mark Twain classic Huckleberry Finn.  There are even people who are offended by a new television show on ABC about girls getting kidnapped on a highwaybecause the girls who get kidnapped are not Indians.  Using my rule none of those examples should be offensive because an offense was not intended. 

There is now a term for these types of offenses.  They call them microaggressions.  The psychologist who popularized the term, Dr. Derald Wing Sue, even explained in a video that “Microaggressions occur because they are outside the level of conscious awareness of the perpetrator.”   That means that not only does the perpetrator not intend to offend you, but that you would have to explain to them why you’re offended.  If you often find yourself having to explain why you are offended that probably means your pain is self-inflicted. 

Let’s put my advice into practice and try some examples to test if we should be offended by them. 

Example #1:  Somebody says “Merry Christmas” to you.  You are not a Christian.

Response:  Do not be offended.  Their intention was to be nice.

Example #2:  Somebody asks you for help on a math problem.  You are Asian.

Response:  Do not be offended.  Maybe they weren’t thinking about your race.  Maybe they were.  It doesn’t matter.  The intent was to get a math problem right.

Example #3:  Your friend Fred sits next to you at a blackjack table.  The dealer calls him “sir” without learning his gender identity first.

Response:  Do not be offended.  The intent was to politely address him.  Oops.  I just said “him” without realizing it.

Example #4:  Somebody says that “All lives matter.”

Response:  Do not be offended.  I doubt that their intention was to say that anybody’s life doesn’t matter.  Thus the word all.

Example #5:  Somebody says that you can be put into a basket of deplorables.

Response:  You can be offended because calling somebody deplorable is certainly intended to impugn their character.

Now you have a guideline to go by, so the next time you see a George Washington statue, you should be able to fight the urge to cry and tear it down.  You know that the intent of the statue was not to brag that he owned slaves.  Choose not to be offended.  Hopefully, this advice will help the United States become a more pleasant place for our visitors from space.  If instead, you choose to remain constantly offended, Mr. Spock will probably find you highly illogical.